just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Did you pee in the oven last night??
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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