I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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