Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
