Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
