after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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