Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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