I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I had to cum in my sink.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
