She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
