dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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