I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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