so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
