I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
