she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
