someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
