hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
