420 ftw
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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