Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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