Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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