i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
