Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
