Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
