I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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