Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize