hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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