come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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