Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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