I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
