I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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