i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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