So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
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