ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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