I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
