The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
