Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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