Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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