I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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