I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
