my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
