You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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