And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
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