Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
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Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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