I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
