I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
BRING THE BAGELS
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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