I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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