Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
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