I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
