Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
