I cannot find my penis.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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