Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.