He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.