Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.