I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
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