Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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