Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
