were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
