I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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