I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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