and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Randomize