he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
