when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
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Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
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Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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