if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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